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Castle Paradox
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PK

Joined: 12 Sep 2005 Posts: 11
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Posted: Sat Oct 08, 2005 4:53 am Post subject: Curse Of the werepie |
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http://www.fanart-central.net/stories.php?sid=21462
its a small little story i'm writing, this chapters rather small but they will get larger
Last edited by PK on Sat Oct 08, 2005 12:06 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Pako the True G pako

Joined: 26 Mar 2005 Posts: 184 Location: Bleh-ville
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Posted: Sun Oct 09, 2005 7:08 pm Post subject: |
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oookay  _________________
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Gizmog1 Don't Lurk In The Bushes!

Joined: 05 Mar 2003 Posts: 2257 Location: Lurking In The Bushes!
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Posted: Sun Oct 09, 2005 8:39 pm Post subject: |
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Quote: | Bob calmly strutted through his local forest; he had no idea what was stalking him through the bushes… |
A few problems here. Calmly and Strutted don't seem to match. They don't quite convey the same ideas here. Calmly strolled or something may work, but strut implies a certain swagger that calmly counteracts.
"His Local Forest" sort of bothers me.
"He had no idea what was stalking him through the bushes" isn't really a good choice of words given the situation. If he didn't know something was following him, which is the implication of the third paragraph, it might be better to say "He had no idea something was stalking him through the bushes".
Quote: | No one saw him alive again…or so they thought. |
Kind of a useless sentence, and definitely a cliche. You're kind of butting your head into the narrative here, and all you're doing is slowing down what should be a tense and high paced moment. You could probably do without this sentence, and you're hitting again with the ...'s, which we might want to watch.
Quote: | The moon was full. His heart was pounding. There was a rustling in the bushes. Bob turned round in a flash. He saw the dark shadow of his fateful hunter. He Ran. |
For one thing "fateful hunter" is a needless adjective. I also don't like "Bob turned round in a flash." "Bob turned around, startled." might work better, but that's possibly just differing opinions in style. Not sure how I feel about "He ran." On one hand, it's kind of short and to the point, but on the other hand, I'm not sure it conveys enough panic.
Quote: | No matter how fast he ran he could always hear the soft thud…thud…thudding of his attacker’s movements. He dashed round a corner and stopped. There was something in his path. He stooped down. “Ooh…floor pie.†|
I think the first sentence could be better. I don't really like the ...'s, and "he could always hear" isn't quite as frightening a choice of words as I'd prefer. "he couldn't escape the relentless patter of his attacker's movements" might make it a bit more frightening. Another point that might just be style is "He dashed round a corner and stopped.". "He dashed around the corner, but stopped" might better imply the kind of surprised stop. There was something in his path, and he stooped down are fine, but I think "Ooh...floor pie" kind of breaks the tension and tone, which may not be what you want to do.
I think the next sentence "His last words as a human" also are kind of cliched, and break up the narrative, but if you insisted on him saying "ooh floor pie" and wanted to still show that those were his last words as a human, you could do it in the end of the last paragraph as "They were the last words he'd speak as a human being", or even just "They were his last words as a human." without quite the same interruption.
There's really not enough here to say if it's good or bad. I'd like to see more of it though. |
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Artimus Bena Admiral

Joined: 17 Aug 2004 Posts: 637 Location: Dreamland.
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Posted: Sun Oct 09, 2005 9:19 pm Post subject: |
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Thank you Giz for being one of the only other people I've seen here who treats this like an actual writing forum....
PK, if I can find some time to sit down and read this, I will. Just use whatever feedback you get, mine or otherwise, and I'll be content to know you're actually serious about writing. _________________ SACRE BLEU!
|||Compositions!
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PK

Joined: 12 Sep 2005 Posts: 11
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Posted: Thu Oct 13, 2005 5:16 am Post subject: |
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yeah, its kinda a first draft, i got my english teacher to look over it today, i'm gonna be improving it alot.
With the last bit surprisingly i was trying to break the tension-and the cliched bits were there just to take the mick out of the general horor genre a bit more, as thats all the writing i can really do.
I was thinking of changing strutted to trudged, and the thing about the 'fateful hunter' is a good point too, i'm just editing it now
The 'no-one saw him alive again' bit may seem pointless now but it wont in a few chapters |
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Uncommon His legend will never die

Joined: 10 Mar 2003 Posts: 2503
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Posted: Thu Oct 13, 2005 6:48 am Post subject: |
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Quote: | No matter how fast he ran he could always hear the soft thud…thud…thudding of his attacker’s movements. He dashed round a corner and stopped. There was something in his path. He stooped down. “Ooh…floor pie.†| [bolds mine]
I think the probem, from what I'm seeing, is he's using ellipses (...) when he should be using commas (,), so it should've been "thud, thud, thudding".
Also, is "attacker" the right word there? He hasn't really attacked yet. Consider using "pursuer". "Movements" also seems like an awkward word to use, since the onomatapoeia are describing footsteps.
Agreeing about the "no one saw him alive again" line. It just breaks up the narrative and sounds all hell of goofy. And "or so they thought" kind of contradicts the rest of the statement and makes it doubly unnecessary. It's not so much it sounds pointless and it hurts the flow without justifying it, and I don't see how anything that happens in a later chapter could make it justifiable. |
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PK

Joined: 12 Sep 2005 Posts: 11
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Posted: Thu Oct 13, 2005 10:45 am Post subject: |
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thanks, i'm taking all this into consideration and will change the elipies(sp?) into commas later and attacker to persuer mabe-but i maintain that i will keep 'ooh floor pie' and the otther 1. |
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