Castle Paradox

[Ysoft_Entertainment]

anyway, here is a short story about the game that I am thinking of making.

this is just introductory paragraph, tell me what you guys think?



On the faraway planet, called Geya, lived powerful creatures, much like human race, only with superior strength and wisdom. They lived in peace, knowing that no one would dare to attack them. However; one day an evil warrior from the neighboring planet, decided to invade them. He, along with an entire army, invaded the planet, killing everyone but two people. The inhabitants of the planet, never dreamed that they may be attacked, and that led them to their destruction, an entire race wiped out in one day by the evil that was stronger than what they had expected. The name of evil was Licenir.
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Striving to become better pixel artist then Fenrir Lunaris. Unfortunately the laziness gets in the way of my goals.

[Jjkaybomb]

That sound strangly like what my 'book' was orginally. Except is was Pheon and many stronger and wiser races invaded by the whole other planet of Nysia...I could rave on about this...
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A man once said to the Universe "Sir! I exist!"
"However," replied the Universe, "This does not create in me a sense of obigation."
~Stephen Crane

[junahu]

I've DEFINATELY heard this overhead before.
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[Pal88]

Where from though?
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A game to me is life

[Uncommon]

Well, the whole paragraph is very awkwardly written, and it kind of sounds like Bugamon Quest if you think about it.

[Ysoft_Entertainment]

ok, I wasn't thinking of what I was writing, but basically it is just an outline of my story. I am going to write it chapter by chapter.
and trust me, this is 100% from my head, if you heard it before, than I don't know why.
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Striving to become better pixel artist then Fenrir Lunaris. Unfortunately the laziness gets in the way of my goals.

[LeRoy_Leo]

The story does have a good moral though. Don't overestimate yourself and always be prepared. Just elaborate a bit more for the finished product.
Oh yea, and one more thing. The story has nothing to do with a red sword... Unless you forgot to mention it. It would be very important. Like the main goal, what the story revolves around, or something.
(Ex: In DarkEmblem, the goal of the evil entities that emerged to take Earth back is to regain the dark emblem and use it to free their king.)

You get the idea~
Your story can go into more detail later on on what will happen before the goal is accomplished, but what you gave us was a little TOO vague.
PS:Most stories aren't likely going to be entirely original, all.
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Planning Project Blood Summons, an MMORPG which will incinerate all of the others with it's sheer brilliance...

---msw188 ---
"Seriously James, you keep rolling out the awesome like gingerbread men on a horror-movie assembly line. "

[Ysoft_Entertainment]

ok, after thinking over how the story is going to go, I have decided to rename the story to Chronicles of Geya.

and yes, so far it does has a good moral, you can never be sure of your strength until you are challanged, then it will come clear.
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Striving to become better pixel artist then Fenrir Lunaris. Unfortunately the laziness gets in the way of my goals.

[LeRoy_Leo]

Now, who covets the red sword? Is it the weapon of the warlord who attacked the Geyans?

And why did he (hmmm... She...) attack them because he (she) thought they were too cocky and wanted to humble them? Or maybe to become famous, rich, or go down in history? These are all possibilities. Just ask yourself "why" and your story will be better.
Thanks for sharing in advance

PS: I was thinking... A male warlord is "getting old". A female one would be more original.
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Planning Project Blood Summons, an MMORPG which will incinerate all of the others with it's sheer brilliance...

---msw188 ---
"Seriously James, you keep rolling out the awesome like gingerbread men on a horror-movie assembly line. "

[Calehay]

I'm guessing that they'll be more since he said it was an introductory paragraph.

But LeRoy_Leo is right. I've seen too many stories fail because people don't ask why. And if you don't, your players/readers/watchers/viewers will ask it for you, but then it's too late to change it.
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Calehay

[Ysoft_Entertainment]

ok, here is info on lucenir and red sword

Lucenir is a guy, and he is a space pirate who wants the sword that would increase his powers tremendously. He destroys planets for fun, he is very evil.

Red Sword is the strongest sword on Geya, and probably in the entire universe, as it multiplies the users power to a very high levels.

and there is a secret behind that sword, as is made up of two swords, that were fused with a spell. It can also be defused with a spell.

and the most powerful secret behind it, that no one knows, but only the main hero is going to discover in the future, is that the fusion spell can also fuse two beings into one, and that being will be very powerful, from the fusion, and from the boost of the sword itself.

well hopefully that made things easier to understand.
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Striving to become better pixel artist then Fenrir Lunaris. Unfortunately the laziness gets in the way of my goals.

[Calehay]

The way you're setting up your villain is kind of cookie-cutter. He doesn't seem very interesting. Maybe you should try to tie his story in with someone else's, like Sephiroth in FF7, or Golbez(Golbeze? I've never played the game, but Rinku's guide ruined it for me.) in FF4. Note how intertwined the enemies are with the heros. Otherwise, you get a guy being evil just to be evil and a good guy being good just to be good.

Okay, re-reading your villian... He has a purpose, but there is no motive. Why does he want the power. *spoiler* Sephiroth wants power for Jenova (something like that, it's been too long since I've played it.) Think about that.

Nice history on the sword. It can definitely intertwine with things as they go in the future.

Small side note: Is no one liking that I post in these type of forums because I haven't released a game? I thought about it, and knowing myself that my story skills have become better, y'all don't know it. Is this a problem?
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Calehay

[LeRoy_Leo]

The story definitely needs some thinking. Also, this thread inspired me to write an essay on how to tell a story. But no one is seeing it yet. Just always remember to answer all possible questions that you can so that the reader doesn't have to.