Castle Paradox

SunsOfFlame · Joined: 28 Apr 2003 Posts: 139

Arright, I made a story! Hahaha! Anyway, here we are:

Introduction:

Verloren...the city of the lost...this is where those who have 'failed' society end up, miserably in a prison to spend the rest of their days trying to find the food they need, while at the same time questionng why they bother, they're life is over already. The streets caked in dirt and the decaying smell of those dead, as the guardbots do not give decent burials.

Jeour, watchmen of Verloren, a heart colder than the steel palace he lives in, but thats why he was chosen to watch this city, as he calls it. He has never truly even set foot on the ground of Verloren, never has his shoes touched the mud and dirt of the lost city.

His son, Alaris, has been taught by the Servants that those in this city were truly evil, not just the ones without a future. But he suspected different, as there were no windows, no way out, and he had never had contact with Verloren, he was truly even unaware of its existence.

Then Alaris was asked one day to go into The Hall, where Jeour's throne rests. He hurried in, not wanting to make his father mad at him. He saw Jeour sitting there, trying to look kind of slumped and disapointed looking, but he didn't act it out very well. Jeour's robe was not put on and he was in an old fashioned kind of tunic, but still in the royal colors of gold and red. "Alaris," he said after a few minutes, "I have been watchman of Verloren, keeping the criminals out of the rest of the world for so long", Alaris noticed he was still acting a part, because his father would never speak anything like that. "But, soon I must retire" Now Alaris knew exactly what was going on, and tried to think of an answer to what came next. "Will you take up the post after me?"

Alaris knew he had near no time at all to answer, and in his indecisiveness, he let his heart speak for him, which is not a good idea around Jeour. "Father, I have never seen Verloren, and the servants tell me of how evil it is, if you were not hiding anything, then I should have seen it by now. I agree to be the next watchman if I see those below and I am proved that they are truly evil." The second the words left his mouth, Jeour quit his act, stood up very suddenly, fists already clenched from anger. Jeour then lowered his head and spoke in clenched teeth "That....is" he was trying to control his anger "..the...last....time....you..." he was forcing himself not to beat Alaris "defy...me..." then he wondered why he cared and he hit the 16 year old quickly in the face, and as Alaris laid near unconscious from the heavy blow, Jeour finished "You are sentenced to a life in Verloren."

Alaris, waking up on the dirt of the city of the lost, realized where he was. Now, heartbroken and full of despair, sets out with determination he had never had inside the cold steel of the Watchman's Tower, to leave the prison and create a life for himself out of Verloren.

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Part 1:

"Augh...shit..that hurt...." he ached out of his mouth slowly, then he took a huge breath and tried to stand up, but couldn't find the strength. After lating there for hours, finally a resident of the prison saw him and walked over,then slowly stepped back.

"No, help me...please" Alaris croaked out. "No" the man replied, "Alaris will kill me, he'll say I'm medlling with nobles' lives. "No, I woudn't say anything like that....and if I did, nothing would happen, I'm no--"

"YOU'RE Alaris??!" the man said quickly...."Fine, sir Watchman, I'll help you.....if you let me out" the man finished. "I'm trying to get out, too, the Watchman just kicked me out..." Alaris groaned.

"Huh? Maybe you're not thinking right." the man said, "Here" Suddenly, Alaris felt A LOT better. He stood up slowly. The man then said "I'm Harken, fallen priest of Deus."

"OK," Alaris said "I'm Alaris, and I think I'm a fallen to-be-watchman or something."

After getting everything straightened out, they tried to plan how to get out here.

(Verloren is german ( I think ) for lost, if you were wondering)
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PIcaRDMPC · Joined: 28 Mar 2003 Posts: 186

Very intreiguing beginning. I like where it is going, so if you have a full out story partially written, perhaps you should consider making at least a demo just to try it out to see whether it works or not. I'm reserving full judgement until I see it in a game, and with a bit more detail.

Chaz VanLanden · Posted: Fri May 16, 2003 7:19 am Post subject: Intersante

Keep it rolling! Though I would like more character (Physical) descripion please!
* notes to himself to Shut up and keep listening before the Russians find out where he's been hiding.
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SunsOfFlame · Joined: 28 Apr 2003 Posts: 139

Thanks. I'm editing the story a little for physical description, and i have started on a game without a demo out, and almoset no story so far because my head hurts to much to script right now.

And the wierd thing about the game is its in an 8-bit-like style (3 colors and black, but I don't know the exact 8-bit colors, hence 'style')

The story has been altered, you can reread it at the top.
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Chaz VanLanden · Posted: Mon May 19, 2003 12:20 pm Post subject:

YEA! The storys been updated! THROWS PINAPPLES IN THE SKY WHILE SINGIN " Da Da Du"
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Nagatoki · Posted: Thu May 29, 2003 10:18 pm Post subject:

The concept of your plot IS rather interesting, as well as original...however, your paragraphing was a bit messy to start with. It's not too big a deal, but it would make it more readable.

Just my opinion as an author. You are on to something in this story, so keep it up!
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Blazes Battles Inc. · **I'm a chimp, not a** Joined: 25 Jan 2003 Posts: 505

Most people also put text on a new line (except on special occasions), like so:

...blah blah blah.
"Blah blah," blah blah, "blah blah?"
"Blah blah blah!" blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

It's not absolutely necesary, but it's recommended by most people, and looks better. An indentation should also be used, but I can't do that on a message board.
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Setu_Firestorm · Posted: Mon Jun 02, 2003 11:04 pm Post subject:

Speaking of which, Blazes,
I personally don't like it when in games people have an entire dialogue session going on in one text box.
I know that Squaresoft did it in the earlier Final Fantasy games, but I personally think it looks neater and you get into the dialogue more if you use a text box for each character's statement.

But, like Blazes also said, it's not absolutely necessary.
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Blazes Battles Inc. · **I'm a chimp, not a** Joined: 25 Jan 2003 Posts: 505

Agreed. Other than for several (under ten) text boxes, DC's has everything in it's own text box. But I've suspended it until I get off my lazy... well, it doesn't really matter. Now that I've had more time to actually read the story, I think it's going pretty good. Of course, eventually you should go back and revise it, add some more interesting terms (a thesaurus if you need one, but make sure not to use words that are so odd most people have to look them up, or they don't really fit in with the mood, etc.) and get rid of or change words you've used too much, etc. Also, I'm a bit confused about the setting. Seems sort of fantasyish of medievalish, so the word 'guardbot' near the beginning sort of stands out. If it's a fusion of two genres then that's great, but try to make everything stay sensible. Things that are mostly action (which sci-fi/fantasy fusions tend to be) are generally confusing and somewhat strange to read, and would fit better into a comic form. Most of the good fantasy or sci-fi books you see published have action and whatnot, but have almost twice as much information and character exploration, which is more suited to something that is all text. Just typing this now I thought of an on-line comic I read... I'll post about that in a new thread once I find it again.
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SunsOfFlame · Joined: 28 Apr 2003 Posts: 139

Normally I do start new paragraphs but there are siz limitations and things, so I divided the paragraphs up more by events. Plus all the smart people in my English class hav a ton of people talk in one paragraph. Anyway, if I write more, when the game Verloren is out, I'll include a story there.
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Blazes Battles Inc. · **I'm a chimp, not a** Joined: 25 Jan 2003 Posts: 505

I surprised the more intelligent members of your class write like that. While it isn't necesary to start new paragraphs, if you don't it's more often poetry, or considered a bit odd, like abstract art. It's usually philosophical is what I'm trying to say. But if you go to a library and pick up a random book, chances are 99.9% speech will start a new line. But like you said, message boards aren't exactly the best spot to write things. Like how you can't use tabs, as I also stated before. I prefer .docs, but that's up to the user.
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Preserve OHR history! Do it for the children!