Castle Paradox

[Gizmog1]

Please die.

[Camdog]

Good job trashing games made by a middle schooler.

[The Wobbler]

[Setu_Firestorm]

Even so, what the hell's the point of this thread?
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[Gizmog1]

It's the review wars forum. I played Nintendork's game, hoping for at least something I could review. They were too short and terrible to review, so this is my advice instead of a full fledged review.. Children in Africa are hungry. Nintedork is consuming food. Illiterate african children deserve his food.

[Rimudora]

Gizmog is a simpleton fool. Clearly the deeper meaning behind Nintendork's games has escaped him. I've only played one of his games, but that was enough was enough to convince me that this man would one day become one of the greatest game designers in the world, on par with such legends as Shigeru Miyamoto and Hideo Kojima.

I will now proceed to give Nintendork's "A GAME ANDREW WULD MAKe" the review that it deserves.

I will begin by analyzing the title. The title itself actually has no significance, but that was the point. What I must draw your attentions to is exactly HOW the title was written. Namely, with poor spelling and all caps---save for that lower-cased "e" at the very end. That "e" is the hero of our story, the singled-out rebel rejecting the doctrines of CAPITALism.

As the game opens, the player is presented with the Sandsea backdrop included with custom.zip. Though this is something that is commonly done by those who are new to the OHR engine, I have never before seen it used in a way that bolstered the motif of the rest of the game as much in this game as in any other. The Sandsea backdrop itself depicts an empty landscape, and this reflects the loneliness and desolation experienced by the hero.

Once the player gets past the title screen, he is immediately thrust into the world in which the story would take place: an island populated by three smiley faces, the hero included. At first it would appear, judging from the facial expressions of the characters, that all was happy and well on this island. However, after speaking to the two NPCs that share this island with the hero, the player quickly realizes that something is horribly wrong. Namely, all the NPCs spoke with horrible grammar and in all caps. With the use of only two NPCs, Nintendork cleverly conveys to the player the objective of the game: to escape from this capitalist society and find a new world where the lower-cased minority would be able to thrive and prosper, or DIE TRYING.

As the player familiarizes himself with the geography of the island, he begins to realize that there is a part of the island that is different from the rest: the desert in the center. The player is gripped with fear as he approaches this new terrain. But the desperation of circumstances gives him the strength he needs to throw away his apprehension, as he marches in. The moment this happens, the unthinkable happens, the event that every player dreads most in a game: the hero DIES. But as this initial shock passes, the sense of dread is replaced by a sense of relief as the player realizes that he has accomplished the latter part of the game's objective.

But you didn't really think it was going to be this easy, did you?

Even death itself (I was playing this game with Rusalka) wasn't enough to overcome the madness of this island, as the hero finds himself back on the island where he started. No matter how many times he kills himself, he is unable to escape from this hellhole. As hope fades from him, the player notices something that he has overlooked up to now in the game: a cleverly camouflaged dimensional wormhole located to the south of the desert. Would this be the angel that would deliver our hero from his plight?

After entering the wormhole, the hero finds himself in an empty void inhabited by only one other smiley-face. But this one was different from the other, it was. The smile on its face showed a wisdom that was lacking in those of all the others. Gathering his courage, the player tries to speak with this NPC, only to find that ARGHH!!! MORE ALL-CAPS TEXT BOXES!!!!!

Now this is where most players give up and quit, and few people actually rape-- I mean reap the final secret of this game. After experiencing the emotional wound dealt to him the first time he spoke to the new NPC, most players never figure out that there is another thing that he must do: he must speak with that NPC again. At last, the golden grail is attained! The player is rewarded with one final textbox that *GASP* uses proper capitalization, and even has a punctuation mark at the end of the sentence! After this, the player can get this reward as many times as he wants at this point by speaking to the NPC multiple times. I think I came like six times here.

With this, the game came to an end. There was no ending script, but this strengthens the last question that the game poses to the player. "Sure, you've attained your text-box with proper capitalization, spelling, and punctuation. But is it worth being trapped for all eternity in a dimensionless void?" The player needs not ponder endlessly over this dilemma, as the mere playthrough of the game causes the answer to resonate within his head.

"There is no price that is too high to pay, for the attainment of TRUE JUSTICE."

[End Review]

THANK YOU NINTENDORK FOR THIS GREAT AND ENGROSSING GAME. PLEASE LET ME RAPE YOU HAVE MY BABY.

[Gizmog1]

Please die. I kind of liked the review a little bit, so please die quickly and without pain.

[Setu_Firestorm]

Well, if that's the case, Giz, then why even waste the time making this thread to give your opinion? This is for:

[Gizmog1]

I rather disagree, Setu, particularly in the case of a game that doesn't have enough there to merit a full review. I think that "Mini Reviews", general critique of overused ideas and themes, and the like all fit here just as well. There's a "What would you like to see?" forum too, but I got yelled at for requesting to see Boobs, so obviously there's more to these things than just the description, da?

Nintendork: Add more to your game! Then I will review it!

And minireview of Setu Firestorm, and his moderatorial abilities:

Please die.