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Castle Paradox
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Bob the Hamster
OHRRPGCE Developer
Joined: 22 Feb 2003
Posts: 2526
Location: Hamster Republic (Southern California Enclave)
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 Posted: Fri Jun 06, 2008 10:21 am Post subject: FRUSTRATING THE WILY CALIFORNIA PUMA |
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| James Paige wrote: | "We need to walk backwards here." my father announced, and he turned around.
I looked all around. "Why do we--"
"Ah! Ah! Remember the falling tree!" he said, and he continued walking down the trail, but facing back the way we had come. The dog grunted as the leash in his hand pulled him away from the tuft of grass he had been sniffling.
I turned around and walked backwards after him, craning my neck over my shoulder so I could see where I was stepping. Dad walked backwards confidently, without looking.
"Dad, why do we have to walk backwards?" I asked, concerned. I knew my Dad often said strange things, but he always had a reason.
"Because," he said, "there might be Pumas."
His pace slowed, because the dog would not be deterred from his ritual of stopping to smell every root and rock and growing thing. I caught up quickly.
I knew what a Puma was. It was exactly the same as a Mountain Lion, which was just like a Regular Lion, except that that they lived in California and not in Africa, and didn't have manes, which somehow made them a little scarier, and they screamed instead of roared, which made them a lot scarier.
"Shouldn't we run then?" I asked anxiously.
"No, no!" He said, putting his free hand on my shoulder for a second, In case I might try to run right then and there. "That is dangerous. We might fall down. Never run backwards." He pulled the dog firmly but gently away from a stump. "C'mon boy, enough of that."
"So why do we have to go backwards?" I asked.
"So they can't sneak up behind us," he explained matter-of-factly.
"What if they sneak up in-front-of-behind us," I asked desperately, thumbing over my shoulder down the path in the direction we were walking.
"Ah, no." He said. "Pumas love to sneak up behind, but they also love to follow. When we walk backwards, they can't sneak up and follow at the same time. Frustrates them terribly."
I mulled this explanation over in my head, and decided to accept it at face value for now, but I was skeptical. "Still seems better to run." I said. "Forward I mean."
Dad shook his head solemnly and turtled his lips. "Nope. Very fast, Pumas. Can't outrun 'em, gotta outsmart 'em." And then to the dog, "C'mon, leave that be."
I glanced around ahead and behind. Had he actually seen a Puma and wasn't saying? Was this just a precaution, or was there really one watching us right now, grinding its big teeth and wishing we would turn around and walk normal so it could stalk us properly.
I tried to imagine what a Puma would look like. I had seen plenty of pictures of real Mountain Lions, and even a few clips, but the image that kept intruding into my imagination was the Perilous Poozer of Pompelmoose Pass, from the Dr. Seuss book The Troubles I had In Getting to Solla Sollew, a book I considered to be "for little kids", even though some dark nights I would get it down off the shelf and open to the well-creased page in the middle and scare myself with the drawings of the elongated yellow beasts with their strangely jointed limbs and their huge, malicious, slightly human-like grinning toothy mouths.
Dad must have noticed a change come over me, because he stopped for a moment, and he stopped me too, and said, casually, "I actually saw a Puma once."
I waited. This, I knew, was the point when he was going to tell me why he wasn't scared of them.
"It was before you were born, when your mother and I lived by the coast. I was walking in a forest not unlike this one, walking the dog-- You remember the old dog?"
I had vague fuzzy memories of a smaller rounder dog that never barked, but mostly I just remembered how it would lick my face and then Mom would wash my face, and I would let the dog lick me again so she would have to wash my face again, and I would laugh.
"Yes." I said.
"So I tried to run," continued Dad, "because back then I didn't know not to, but the dog had short little legs and couldn't keep up, so I picked her up and she was too heavy for me to run, and I was sure the Puma was going to sink his teeth into me any second, but when I looked back, it was keeping pace with me, on account of wanting to draw out the chase and enjoy it."
My spine tingled.
"So I slowed down, because I figured that if the Puma wasn't going to run, why should I? And it slowed down too, following behind me, slinking after me, obviously taking great pleasure in its own stealthiness. So then I was moving slowly enough, that I figured, why not put the dog down? She can walk this fast. So I put her down, Hold on--" he interrupted himself.
"C'mon, boy. Stop that." Dad pulled the dog away from the hole he was digging in the soft dirt on the side of the path.
He resumed walking backwards, and I did too.
"So," he continued, "I put her down, but she wouldn't walk, and I had to turn around and pull her like this." He demonstrated. "And when I turned around, I noticed that the Puma stopped. As long as I walked backwards, it wouldn't follow me. It just stood there and scowled at me, and I left it behind. When I got home, I looked it up on wikipedia, and found it was true. I had accidentally figured out the right way to stay safe from Puma-attack, and it was just good luck."
I pondered this.
"What would have happened if you hadn't turned around?" I asked.
"I have little doubt," said my Dad, "That it would have eventually caught up to me, and eaten me whole, and had the dog for dessert. Then your mother would have been a widow, and you and your little sister would have been born orphans, so it is very lucky it didn't happen that way."
I nodded in agreement.
After a few more minutes of walking, we came out of the park, and stopped at the crosswalk.
"Is it safe to turn around now?" I asked.
"Yes, I think so." Said Dad. "Pumas rarely come out of the trees, and even if they did, they would never figure out how to push the crossing button."
We crossed the street, and continued down to the grocery store.
"R.P.S." I said.
I picked Paper, and Dad picked Rock, like he always does, so he had to stay outside with the dog. He gave me 20 dollars and Mom's shopping list.
"Watch out for Pumas." he instructed.
But I knew he was joking. There would never be a Puma in the grocery store, That would be silly. I didn't bother to walk backwards when I went in. |
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Ianator
Lens Comrade
Joined: 23 May 2008
Posts: 14
Location: In the Hunters' Office
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| Posted: Fri Jun 06, 2008 10:44 am Post subject: |
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| Right up there with Of Bombs and Puppies. Absolutely beautiful. |
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Newbie_Power
Joined: 04 Sep 2006
Posts: 1762
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| Posted: Fri Jun 06, 2008 10:59 am Post subject: |
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*claps* That was quite amusing and in good taste of humor, too.
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TheGiz> Am I the only one who likes to imagine that Elijah Wood's character in Back to the Future 2, the kid at the Wild Gunman machine in the Cafe 80's, is some future descendant of the AVGN? |
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Gizmog1
Don't Lurk In The Bushes!
Joined: 05 Mar 2003
Posts: 2257
Location: Lurking In The Bushes!
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| Posted: Sat Jun 07, 2008 2:26 am Post subject: |
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| That captured the essence of a goofy father perfectly. 5 stars! |
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King Sasuke
Ninja prodigy
Joined: 15 Apr 2008
Posts: 105
Location: Hidden Leaf Village
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| Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 3:32 pm Post subject: |
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I'm amazed!Exellent I felt like I was reading a story written by a professonal arthur!Not a flaw I could find!Funny too!   
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Sasuke the Ninja.How cool am I! |
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Bob the Hamster
OHRRPGCE Developer
Joined: 22 Feb 2003
Posts: 2526
Location: Hamster Republic (Southern California Enclave)
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| Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 7:17 am Post subject: |
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Thank you all for the kind words!
Now if I could just figure out how to motivate myself to write a story more often than once every two years :) |
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