Castle Paradox

[Jjkaybomb]

“Get out of the way!” called a boy’s voice. Then zooming around the corner was a boy on what looked like a metal hover disc. He also looked like he couldn’t control the thing, he was gripping the edge of the disc while he was on his knees. He was about three feet off the ground. When the disk turned it also flipped the kid upside down, but he managed to still completely hold on as he came down my street. I saw it coming, he cried “Look out!” as he crashed right into me! We both tumbled head over heels and his hover spun off and buried itself deep into the trunk of a tree. We both lay dazed on the ground, he was a few inches behind me. As I stared up some people gathered around. They said stuff like “Oh, Akira and Kekoiya! They’re dead!” (Akira and Kekoiya are the two high gods of Order and Chaos in the Pheonie religion). One kid stood over me and asked “How many fingers am I holding up?!” When I didn’t answer he shouted “They have brain damage!” Then the kid who hit me sat up suddenly and said, “Yeah! That was free!” Then he spotted me. He gasped, “He’s dead! Let us mourn for this poor lost soul, his life cut so short!” The boy dropped a napkin on my face as everybody bowed in prayer. Then the boy jumped to his feet, “A life is a very bad thing to loose, especially when something killed him! Take me away and lock me up forever! For I have murdered this poor soul!” This was getting really annoying, so I sat up, but then the boy went off again, “The soul has possessed the body to make a zombie!” A few people actually screamed, but most laughed. Then the boy grabbed my arm and pulled me to my feet. He was pretty tall, about five foot ten or eleven. He whispered in my ear, “Are you great? I’m sorry if this agged you, I’m just trying to make light in a dark room.” “I’m okay,” I responded, a bit confused by the thick Pheonie slang. “May I finish the act?” he whispered again. “Whatever.” “The zombie has declared that it wishes to rest in peace! I shall bring it to nirvana to repay my murder of him!” called out the boy. He rushed to the tree and pulled out the hover disc. It was about three feet across it and the sides slanted up. There were straps that you could hold and control the disc, also where you could put your feet. The whole thing was a metallic gray color. “Get on,” he whispered. I did what he told me and he hopped on too, “Now hold on tight.” I heard someone whisper behind me that it was some sort of publicity stunt, when the boy shouted, “Hover disc! Up!” We rose a few feet up, then he said “Hover disc! To the sky!” and we sped really fast up at about a forty-five degree angle. We must have gone from zero to eighty miles an hour in two seconds! When we had gotten a fair distance from the town, the boy shouted, “Hover disc! Even out!” The disc slowed down and stopped rising. Then he turned his head and smiled. He shouted over the wind, “We were never properly introduced! I’m Zeke Gerosktty!” That was the first time I got a good look at him. He had very light blond hair that grew almost to his shoulders and blue eyes. I could tell that he was Pheonie, and he wore a light green shirt. He looked only a little bit older than me. “I’m Cambrian Wales! It’s nice to meet you Zeke!” “Do you want to go on a ride better than a roller coaster?!” “Sure!” “Then hold on!” I tightened my grip as we went into a steep dive. We swooped up right before we hit the ground and went into a corkscrew followed by a loop. We weaved dipped and turned and wild angles over the plains. During this I checked my watch and saw it was almost six ’o clock! I shouted over the wind, “Zeke! Land! Land!” “What, can’t see stars, Cambrian?!” but he shouted, “Hover disk! Land!” The landing was smoother than I thought as we got closer and closer to ground and slowly skidded to a stop. I got off the hover disc and slowly stumbled around until I got my balance back. Then I said, “Sorry, but I gotta go home, my time’s almost up and you might panic if suddenly I wasn’t there in the air.” “That’s great, will you be back tomorrow?” “It depends how much homework I have, but I’ll be back.” “Great! Hey Cambrian, Cambrian…” He frowned, “No damage, but Cambrian’s so slave! You’re so free, do you have a switch-title?” “A switch…you mean a nickname?” “Yeah, a switch-title.” “No, I don’t.” “Then how about something…shorter, like Brian! From now on your switch-title is Brian! Okay, Brian?” “That’s great, I mean cool! See you tomorrow then? See you here?” “Maybe not here, I’ve got lots of time and lots of places.” I felt my time get spent up and the tingle set all over my body. I saw Zeke give me a jaunty wave before I was back in my room again, the clock downstairs chiming six.

I'm in chapter two, what could these two boys do together? in a fantasy roleplaying game world? I desperetly need help and will give full credit when I publish it, but I'm in chapter two with writer's block! and i have no website to put this on, sorry
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A man once said to the Universe "Sir! I exist!"
"However," replied the Universe, "This does not create in me a sense of obigation."
~Stephen Crane

[junahu]

Your writing style is a little bizarre. You use a lot of description and repetition that isn't really needed.

I rewrote the first part quickly to show you what I mean

“Get out of the way!” cried a boy’s voice as he careened around the corner on what I observed to be a metal hover disc. He was on his knees desperately grasping the edge of the disc with his hands. The disc suddenly began to spin out of control, tossing the hapless rider this way and that.
“Look out!”
The collision threw us both to the ground. The hover disc that he was riding span away, burying itself deep into the trunk of a nearby tree. We both lay dazed on the ground, I remember he landed behind me. As I stared vacuously at the sky, people who had seen the incident gathered around us both.

Also, a lot of people know what will happen in their stories before they start writing. I don't mean to be insulting but I think you'll probably have to start again from scratch with a plan.
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[Iblis]

Ever hear of paragraphs? Try it sometime.

[LeRoy_Leo]

Hello. Jun, you changed his story telling style from passive narrative to character narrative. Character narratives don't usually turn out as good. To make those good, you have to work very hard. It takes more hard work than it takes talent really, and that is why I think they turn out less well than expected.

I liked the descriptiveness. And yes. Please use paragraphs.
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Planning Project Blood Summons, an MMORPG which will incinerate all of the others with it's sheer brilliance...

---msw188 ---
"Seriously James, you keep rolling out the awesome like gingerbread men on a horror-movie assembly line. "

[Junair Wiare]

I have to agree with the guy who rewrote it (sorry, can't recall your name). Yes, description is nice, but the reader wants to go somewhere, not backpedal. One of the few good examples of staying at one minute in a story is the writings of Terry Pratchett. My advice: more speed, less (pardon my French) BS.
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"I do believe your Squid exists. I really do, you know?"

[Jjkaybomb]

I didn't do paragraphs because I didn't want to make the post too long, sorry. I also had to make lots of cuts to this story to make it fit, this isn't the full first chapter. I thank you for the advice though. By the way, what's vacuously mean?
_________________
A man once said to the Universe "Sir! I exist!"
"However," replied the Universe, "This does not create in me a sense of obigation."
~Stephen Crane

[Jjkaybomb]

I really don't want to start from scrach again. I must have done that...oh more time than I can count...I like it this way because Brian is an easy charictor for me to write with. I've been writing and re-writing this since year 2000. Originally it was all about Zeke, Brian wasn't even in the story untill about a year ago. Anybody who wants to see all of the first chapter and what I have of the second, please e-mail me.
_________________
A man once said to the Universe "Sir! I exist!"
"However," replied the Universe, "This does not create in me a sense of obigation."
~Stephen Crane

[junahu]