Castle Paradox

[Jjkaybomb]

Anyone who gets debate will get this and think its funny. Hey, maybe it's funny anyway. Or maybe it's crap. Yeah. Really, some of this stuff happened in actual debates. The happiness thing and not having a value, yeah. Other stuff I...made up. Yeah, crap story.

DEBATE: 101
Based on actual happenings and lying crap.

It was the final varsity Lincoln-Douglas debate of the day. The topic was the worst people had seen in years: Should Americans promote democratic ideals in other countries? The negitive debater stepped in the room, a girl of 16 in a prissy girl-suit thing. The judge, an old, decaying woman of 97 was scribbling on the ballot for the last debate she had judged.

Seeing her opponent, a tall senior in a three-piece suit, the neg asked, “Am I late?”

“No,” croaked the judge, “He’s just 20 GOD-DAMNED MINUTES EARLY!” she suddenly shouted, “NOT EVEN GIVING ME ANY TIME TO LOOK AT MY LAST BALLOT!”

“Oh…” said the neg girl, stunned at the old lady’s ‘zestful’ remark.

She sat down and looked at her desk, the words ‘Alexi is a sexy bitch,’ were deeply engraved into the desk.

“Fine, “ the judge said, slamming her pencil on the desk, “You can begin your god-damned case now!”

The aff guy shot up and strode to the wooden podium at the front of the room. Strangely the same words where deeply set into the wood as with the neg’s desk. Unfazed, the aff opponent started.

“Anyone who goes against my word is a DAMNED COMMUNIST!” he shouted out with vigor. “Why the hell shouldn’t we go and help some bum of a country who spend all their money on the shitty drug lords?! If you had a fricking quarter, you’d give it to some old whore on the street, right?”

“WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING WHORE?!” the judge screamed out.

The neg girl was stunned, no judge ever spoke in a debate.

“IT’S A FRICKIN METAPHOR YOU PISS-ASS JUDGE!” the aff guy shouted back, and continuing without notice, he said, “and that’s my case. He slammed his hands on the podium, “BEAT THAT YOU BITCH!”
Gaping, the neg girl got up, he had only used thirty seconds in his Affirmative Constructive when a whole six minutes were available. Stunned, she stood up by the podium and began her cross-examination.

“Um, I missed your value and criterion,” she started softly, “Could you repeat them?”

“I don’t have any,” he said in a voice of defiance.

“B-but,” she stammered, “You need one!”

“You don’t need a frickin value!”

“You are aware that Lincoln-Douglas Debate is a value debate, are you not?!”

“I already told you!” he shouted back, “You don’t need a god-damned value!”

“That’s it!” neg huffed, “I’m done with cross-ex, and I don’t need any time to prepare for my rebuttal!”

Aff slouched back to his chair and scowled.

Neg stood up at the podium and started, “I believe that we shouldn’t go over and help other countries cause we have our own problems over here and they don’t like us over there. So my Value is happiness…”

“THAT’S THE SHITTYEST VALUE I HAVE EVER HEARD!” the judge screamed.

Neg blushed and continued, “My first contention is that which cannot be defined cannot be a value…”

Both the aff and the judge burst out laughing and did not hear the rest of the neg’s case. Then aff slinked up to the podium for cross-ex.

“So,” he asked, still giggling, “you give me a candy bar, I’m happy, big frickin whoop.”

“If you had listened to the rest of my case,” neg hotly responded, “You’d see that I was talking about democratic ideals, it can’t be defined.”

“Soooo, what is your definition of democratic ideals?”

“Oh, I have that right here,” she said brining out a giant case of information.

“HA! SEE, you CAN define it, I rest my---HEY! You can’t have that! That’s for policy debate you moron!”

“It’s my evidence!” she shrieked back, “I can have it all I want!”
“No you can’t! As you said, this is Lincoln-Douglas debate, so you’re not allowed!!!!” he shouted triumphantly, “I WIN!!!!”

“THAT’S IT!” screamed the judge, “YOU ARE THE TWO WORST DEBATERS I HAVE EVER SEEN!”

Someone had finally heard them and stepped in the room, “Oh my gosh!” he cried, “Is something wrong?!”

“YEAH!” the judge screamed, “I NEED A PSYCHIATRIST!”

“Should I go call one?” and the poor random man from the hall.

“HELL NO!” shouted the judge back, her face turning red

“Then why do you need one…?” asked the random man, a total loss for words.

“NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND GOES TO A PSYCHIATRIST WILLINGLY MORON!”

“Hey lady!” the aff person shouted, “you aren’t in your right mind!”

The judge screamed and ran at the aff, fell, broke her hip, and had a heart attack.

So, both of them got last place in the tournament for killing a judge and the topic STILL sucks.
_________________
A man once said to the Universe "Sir! I exist!"
"However," replied the Universe, "This does not create in me a sense of obigation."
~Stephen Crane