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Phil Arts
Manipulating himself since the beginning
Joined: 14 Jul 2004
Posts: 251
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 Posted: Sun May 15, 2005 4:58 pm Post subject: 2 poems by Phil Arts |
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GOKU (a Limerick poem)
Goku loves to fight
That was his right
Goku loves to eat meat
Goku is a legend
METROID
A game about a space adventure
Fight against aliens on planet zebes
and defeat the mother brain
METRIOD
Kraid and Ridley
The most loyal to mother brain
defeated by our hero
METRIOD
Deep in touran
The mother brain and the metriods
defeated
Our hero is a woman named samus
So what do yall think  |
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Jack
the fool
Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 773
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| Posted: Sun May 15, 2005 5:33 pm Post subject: |
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Ahem...
CUL DA SHPELDNG CUMITEE U SHPLD METROID WRNG!!! :flamedevil: :flamedevil: :flamedevil:
GOKU: meh... nothing really special, i'm sure a five year old could write this with no problem. not that i'm saying you're a five year old.. just saying you put forth that kind of effort...
METROID: aside from the spelling mistake... the last line kind of bothers me. it doesn't seem to really fit into that whole part, and it doesn't seem necessary. |
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Phil Arts
Manipulating himself since the beginning
Joined: 14 Jul 2004
Posts: 251
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| Posted: Mon May 16, 2005 6:58 am Post subject: |
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Beleive it or not, these two poems were part of my 9th grade poetry project(Im in 10th grade now).
Jack said: | Quote: | GOKU: meh... nothing really special, i'm sure a five year old could write this with no problem. not that i'm saying you're a five year old.. just saying you put forth that kind of effort...
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Im 17 if your wondering. |
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The Wobbler
Joined: 06 Feb 2003
Posts: 2221
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| Posted: Mon May 16, 2005 7:03 am Post subject: |
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Phil Arts
Manipulating himself since the beginning
Joined: 14 Jul 2004
Posts: 251
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| Posted: Mon May 16, 2005 7:21 am Post subject: |
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PHC wrote: | Quote: | | No, I choose not to believe that. |
Im just saying the facts Dude  |
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The Wobbler
Joined: 06 Feb 2003
Posts: 2221
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| Posted: Mon May 16, 2005 7:26 am Post subject: |
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Moogle1
Scourge of the Seas
Halloween 2006 Creativity Winner
Joined: 15 Jul 2004
Posts: 3377
Location: Seattle, WA
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| Posted: Mon May 16, 2005 7:31 am Post subject: |
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Um.
That's NOT a limerick.
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Phil Arts
Manipulating himself since the beginning
Joined: 14 Jul 2004
Posts: 251
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| Posted: Mon May 16, 2005 9:27 am Post subject: |
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Funny, my English1 said that was a limerick poem.
On the other hand ,she might be wrong.
PHC wrote: | Quote: | | I'd love to know what grade you got for this |
I cant remember,Probiliy a C I think  |
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Phil Arts
Manipulating himself since the beginning
Joined: 14 Jul 2004
Posts: 251
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| Posted: Mon May 16, 2005 10:13 am Post subject: |
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Sorry for double posting its just this comment caught my eye;
Jack wrote: | Quote: | | CUL DA SHPELDNG CUMITEE U SHPLD METROID WRNG!!! |
Its sounds as though that Im making fun of Metriod, no Im a fan of metriod(just the 2-d style  ). |
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Me
HI.
Joined: 30 Mar 2003
Posts: 870
Location: MY CUSTOM TITLE CAME BACK
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| Posted: Mon May 16, 2005 10:56 am Post subject: |
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| Phil Arts wrote: | | Quote: | | CUL DA SHPELDNG CUMITEE U SHPLD METROID WRNG!!! |
Its sounds as though that Im making fun of Metriod, no Im a fan of metriod(just the 2-d style :) ). |
No. He was saying that YOU SPELLED METROID WRONG. See, there's an O followed by an I, NOT the other way 'round.
On the poems, the Goku one isn't a limerick. It also has terrible, uneven rhythm. A limerick has nine syllables on the first and second lines, five on the next two, and nine on the last, written in an AABBA rhyme scheme. That is, lines one, two, and five have rhyming ending words, and lines three and four have rhyming ending words. Your poem has only four lines, no rhythmic coherency, and no real rhyme scheme (I guess you could say it's an AABC rhyme scheme, but that essentially means "no rhyme scheme"). It also doesn't seem to have any purpose - if all you are seeking to do is describe Goku in the superficial manner in which you do, it would be better to write a story, since poems generally cry out for symbolism, metaphor, and such (of which yours has none). Finally, it has tense contradictions: you refer to Goku in the present tense, but in line two you say that loving to fight was his right, which is past tense.
I don't see the poeticness of the Metroid one. It looks more like you wrote a bit about the basic story of Metroid and then cut it into lines and stanzas at random. The enjambment of your lines doesn't seem to fit any sort of meter or rhyme scheme, so I suspect you just stuck it in there so it would look "poemy." In fact, that's what the whole thing looks like: a bunch of random "poemy" things thrown together with no reason or purpose behind them.
If you got a C for these in 9th grade, then your teacher didn't know poetry. Really, you shouldn't require students to write poetry for high school classes, it's too hard. Most everyone will do what you've done here, write a paragraph or so of shlock and cut it up to make it look like a poem. This is what makes kids hate poetry nowadays: not enough focus on the meaning behind the poem. Far too often all the class does is read the poem and do some superficial analysis before putting it away and forgetting it.
D, at best.
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Phil Arts
Manipulating himself since the beginning
Joined: 14 Jul 2004
Posts: 251
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| Posted: Mon May 16, 2005 3:11 pm Post subject: |
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Holy crap I spell metriod wrong  Danm Im a sad speller
AND heres a Haiku poem:
VIDEO GAMES
Fun to play and watch
I enjoy video games
Either day or night
Any comments? |
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Jack
the fool
Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 773
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| Posted: Mon May 16, 2005 4:48 pm Post subject: |
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| i guess it could be called a Haiku.. it is in 5-7-5 form... but it's not about nature... so this ones gets a D too |
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The Wobbler
Joined: 06 Feb 2003
Posts: 2221
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| Posted: Mon May 16, 2005 5:04 pm Post subject: |
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Phil Arts
Manipulating himself since the beginning
Joined: 14 Jul 2004
Posts: 251
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| Posted: Tue May 17, 2005 7:07 am Post subject: |
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PHC Wrote: | Quote: | | Poetry without meaning is pointless |
Dude, its about video games. Thats the meaning of the poem. |
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Moogle1
Scourge of the Seas
Halloween 2006 Creativity Winner
Joined: 15 Jul 2004
Posts: 3377
Location: Seattle, WA
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| Posted: Tue May 17, 2005 7:12 am Post subject: |
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The meaning of the poem is that it's about video games?
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