Castle Paradox

[Uncommon]

What a wonderful week. Not only have I been able to scan new pictures, but I've also been able to continue work on my story, Live By the Sword...

I've done quite a bit of rewriting to the three chapters I already had there (including the split of the incredibly long first chapter into two), and even got to add three more! This basically makes up for everything I lost from this story hen Ariana crashed.

So, read and enjoy (at least, I hope you'll enjoy it)... Critique, and critique honestly. No empty praise, nor empty pain. Speak your mind. Throw tact out the window!

Tell me exactly what you think.

[Blazes Battles Inc.]

Sorry if anyone's going to consider this reviving a dead thread, since it WAS old, although only the fifth down on the list, and there weren't any posts anyway, so...

I'm surprised no one responded to this. I didn't when I saw it before because the story was too long for me to read in the time I had. Now that I remember it... I'll try to have some comments up soon. Just gonna edit this post if no one else posts before me, though.

EDIT: Okay, I read through Chapter 3, which I think is a little less than half of the story you have up now. Okay. Although there were some problems with it, overall, I really liked it so far, and in all honesty, if this were a book I would probably buy it. But here are the problems I noticed:

First, the dialogue is a bit odd in it's format, since it would normally be in the paragraph. The paragraphs also look weird since they are centered. The dialogue shouldn't be either, but if you're going to keep it in the format on it's own line with the character name above it, it does look better centered, but only for the dialogue. In the first chapter, there was something I couldn't tell if I liked or not, when it was talking with 'We.' It was strange because even though it was somewhat first person there was no character whose eyes you were looking out of, but it seemed to work well enough, so I guess it doesn't really matter in the long run.

Because of the way dialogue is set up, it's also harder to display character actions, because you'd have to put everything on a seperate line with a line break between the dialogue and text. It's harder to show a character says something in a certain way, or does a certain thing while he's speaking. The best example of how odd this can be is with Rutherford. There have to be at least ten '...'s in there, and you'd think even then he'd be wheezing or something since he WAS dying.

There was some obvious dislike between the Red Fang captain (or whoever) and Jaques and Malcolm, but not as much as you'd think there'd be between people who are willing (I know Jaques and Malcolm didn't know what he had done, but still willing) to kill each other. The head of the Red Fang is also somewhat cliched, and you can probably tell why.

You should also expand chapters a bit, fill them with what seems to be trivial nonsense but is also good for helping define a character's personality, for not only that purpose but to make the chapters longer. They seem a bit short as they are now (short compared to what would be in a professional novel, though I've seen much shorter).

And again, I've only read through Chapters 1-3, so my opinions (like of the Red Fang leader/emperor/person whose name I forgot that I thought was a bit cliched) may change.
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Preserve OHR history! Do it for the children!

[Uncommon]

Well, I just wrote a long reply, but the stupid server logged me out, so I lost it. That really sucks. Have to write another...

Anyway. This is actually the second release of this story, thus the second announcement (people did reply to the first one). So, it might not be as old as you think it is.

I will agree that the format is pretty weird, kind of a glorified script. It was originally the script for a game, but I don't know if I'm making that game anymore. I'll consider your suggestion about not centering the paragraphs when the next update comes along. It does kind of make it weird...

Regarding the "We"s, it refers to the narrator and the reader. I hope that clears it up a bit. Also, with all those ellipses, I'd imagine Rutherford probably was wheezing.

Regarding murderous hatred, there are certain lines some people won't cross without a very reasonable cause. Thade probably isn't one of those people, and Malcolm certainly isn't once the second chapter has ended. Jacques, however, is one of those people, though I will tell you that, by the end of the story, he will croos that line when it wasn't completely necessary.

Zhuric, clichéd? Perhaps he is, but his role isn't really big enough in this story that I can give him any real characterization. I'll probably do that in another story. Perhaps a scared and nervous lord, under the rule of his own supposed underling, Blaine Arlissan, either in or in a prequel to The Thiefmaster's Tale. That would probably be good.

Well, thanks for giving me your opinion. I hope to write some more chapters soon, I already have them planned out.

So, tell me what you think after you rad the other four chapters...

[Blazes Battles Inc.]

Sorry, I've been gone for a while. I'll talk about the other chapters tomorrow (when I'll read them). I COULD do it today... but I'm too tired... and then too lazy... again, I'll just edit this post unless someone else posts first.
_________________
Preserve OHR history! Do it for the children!

[Uncommon]

You know, if anyone ever wants to read my newest draft, I keep it at http://geocities.com/thelonechimaera/writings/doc.html.

Everytime I make a change, I always upload my Word file to there, so that I have the ability to work on the story from anywhere with internet. The stuff I've done most recently is adding and revising dialogue (this includes an interesting insight into Lord Zhuric Malin of the Red Fang Order), and the beginnings of the eighth chapter.

So, if you're interested, go ahead and read it.